for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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