Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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