I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
