My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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