This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You were trust falling into bushes
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
