Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
