I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
