The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
