The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
organizing the empties. That sober.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
