some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
