my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
