Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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