My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There are leaves in my underwear?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
