My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
