i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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