it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm too high and old for this...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
