Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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