why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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