we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
