I accidentally had phone sex last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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