Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
please come you make the beer taste better
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
