it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
