He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
