he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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