I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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