Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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