im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
