A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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