OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
