How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos