New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!