his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
