I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
