College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
