to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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