In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
