my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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