Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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