a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
