Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
