a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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