I just saw a hot homeless man
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
50% drunk capacity currently
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
