Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
