The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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