Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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