I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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