I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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