He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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