You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
