Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
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His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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