Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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