can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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