Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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