I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
