We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
