I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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