I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
